It has been an EVEN LONGER WHILE

I will try to be back and I think I am going to fork over the money to keep the blog so that I can still post pix and stuff on here.

I went to a RS activity last night and they talked about journaling. This is my electronic Journal. Has been for a while now but due to the new restrictions I got out of habit. Facebook though has been my cost effective outlet. But yeah. I am back. Time for some cold hard truth.

Things are going great now. Mason is 2. My studio is starting to boom, thank goodness, and I am running again. Long story short, which I might post the whole store not sure yet, debating, I had my second miscarriage the day before Mother's Day this year. I was nearly 12 weeks along. It broke me. Broke my heart, my faith and broke my own belief that, yeah we might actually be able to get pregnant on our own and not have to pay thousands of dollars to get another baby. I am still hurting from it. I am still angry, confused, upset, hurt. I felt blindsided. I have accepted it. And I accept that regardless of what I do I am not in control. Never have been, never will be. We knew that things weren't going right, from the start. I went in almost every other day for testing. Some days the tests would be great. Others not so much. It put so much stress on me. Plus Matt was in AZ the entire time we knew I was pregnant. REALLY SUCKED BY THE WAY. I was alone. I felt abandoned most nights by Heavenly Father because things weren't going easily. Thursday before Mother's Day I had an ultrasound that confirmed that there was nothing in the gestational sac and that it was starting to collapse and that I would miscarry soon. We did get my progesterone under control which is why I carried for so long more than likely. Day before Mother's day, talking 24 hours before Matt arrived. I had the miscarriage. Took 4 hours. Mini labor I went through. Thankfully Mace was asleep for most of it and I know that was help from Heavenly Father. I went through the whole ordeal without Matt. SUCKED! And still angers me today that I had to go through that. Let alone I still didn't really know anyone here in C-ville. Needless to say I haven't wanted to get pregnant again and don't want to at this point. (part of me does but it is such a sliver sized part that it just creeps in my thoughts for a second then I just feel upset again and slightly sick to my stomach with fear of having to go through it again.) I don't want to go through this again. I don't think I could get through this again. So my new outlet is running.

2 weeks after the miscarriage I participated in my first 5k. Did another one a month later and was enrolled and actively participating with the Charlottesville Women's 4 miler training program. The 4 miler race is Aug 31 which I am signed up in, and I also will be checking an item off my bucket list in Feb when I run in my first DISNEY HALF MARATHON! Come hell or high water, pregnant or not I am running in that race! Then 2 weeks after that is the Charlottesville 10 miler race. I gained 12 lbs with the 12 week pregnancy. Stress related. Now I am having the lovely opportunity to lose that plus the remaining I had to lose from Mace still. Currently, haven't lost 1 pound, but I have lost inches. So it will happen soon.

Like I said things are going. At least my business is taking off here in C-ville. After months of trying to get it to it finally is. Just a couple more students and I will feel comfortable, and know that I am holding up my end of the bargain to moving here. Sorry this was a debbie downer post but I had to write it. It needed to be written. It is done and hopefully now I can get past my grief and continue to grow and learn.

Soon I will post some pix, when I pay the money but I have lots of pix to load up for everyone to see.

Did you guys miss me?